Worry, worry, worry

Before I go into the meaning behind my blog title, I just wanted to say thank you again to all of you reading my blog! It means so much to me, and trust me, I really look forward to posting! =) There's just something calming about being able to write down your feelings, at least for me, because I've always loved to write. I'm not a creative, story-telling type of writer, but I enjoy the feeling of taking everything that's swirling around in my head and heart and putting it down neatly into words. The struggle to find words that describe feelings and thoughts is something I enjoy.

My trip thus far has just continued to get more amazing. I don't simply mean that in the sense of going places and seeing new things, because while that has been super fun, there's so much more. Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled to book my plane ticket to Italy: 10 days of backpacking through the country is my idea of a truly spectacular spring break. I continue to plan new trips, and I am so thrilled that my mom might be coming to visit at the end of April (shhh, don't tell my dad, he hasn't heard about this yet haha). And hey, I would be so happy if anybody else wanted to come here too, because you can stay at my apartment, and we'll have a blast traveling! But really, so much of my excitement comes from just the fact that I'm here and learning so much about who I am.

If you were watching any of my Facebook statuses last semester, you probably got a good idea of how unbelievably stressed out I was. I was so unhappy and frustrated with so many things, and it was one of the hardest periods of time I've gone through. Between planning for Prague, dealing with heartbreaking personal issues, and just suffering from serious burn-out, I was a wreck, to say the very least. There were definitely times where I thought I wouldn't make it here to Prague, and I had several Plan B's if this trip didn't happen (and none of those plans had good results). I had no idea at the outset how difficult it would be to plan a study abroad trip all on your own, and I was also searching simultaneously for my internship abroad. However, now that I'm here, I can tell you that I didn't go through all of that struggle for nothing.

I feel as though the value that I place on this trip is so much higher because of what I went through to get here. Talking with other study abroad students who came to Prague on their own as I did has been so cathartic, in many ways, because I realize that I was not alone with my frustrations. Ultimately, what I've learned though, is something that people like Brian have been trying to tell me for years: it will all work out in the end. That doesn't mean I've been cured of my worrying tendencies, because I had one of my "freak-out sessions" just tonight over something that *surprise surprise* ended up working out just fine. What happened tonight is what inspired me to write about this topic for this post, because in writing this down, I want to imprint in my mind this lesson that I've learned over the past months about how useless worrying is. Clearly, I still have a long way to go in dealing with this, but I've made major strides.

Oh, and when I say I worry, you might be thinking "Hey, I worry a lot too, it's not too big of a deal", but let me tell you, up until coming here to Prague, I was a WORRIER. The kind that stays up all night thinking, or tossing and turning, having nightmares and cold sweats, waking up sobbing because I'm so tense and frustrated, constantly feeling like I had to prove to myself and to others that I'm not a failure and yet telling myself repeatedly that I was a failure. I had to repeat good things to myself in my head, even small accomplishments, to show myself that I was still capable. It didn't matter how successful I really was, because, in truth, I did a lot last year and things in my life actually turned out very well. But I couldn't see any of the reality. Yeah, it was bad, and for almost all of 2009, that's what I had become. 2010 won't be the same, because not only will I not allow that to happen, but I know better. I made it to Prague, I have the perfect internship, amazing apartment and roommates, good classes, and an amazing circle of friends and family. This doesn't mean that I'm naive enough to think that everything in life will just magically work out now. It won't. Everything comes by hard work, and sometimes, even with that hard work, it doesn't happen. But if it doesn't, it's because there is something so much better in store for you instead. Not everything I'm doing right now was my Plan A initially. However, I couldn't be happier with how things have turned out.

Goodnight, everyone =)